9/22/05

I had an abortion at 11 weeks. Before I had ever gotten pregnant, I never really had a strong stance on being pro-life or pro-choice, it was never something I gave a lot of thought to. Honestly, when you become sexually active, you really need to figure these things out beforehand, because the moment I found out I was pregnant on August 11, I had no idea what to do.

I had been suspecting I was pregnant because my periods are never late. I always got them on or before the 7th of every month, and when it hadn't started by August 8th, I started to worry. When I found out I was pregnant, I just kind of laughed, because the notion was just so crazy to me; here I am, 18, just graduated highschool, haven't been dating my boyfriend for more than two months, and I'm pregnant. The nurse immediately started begging me to keep it and gave me a prescription for prenatal pills, and went off about how children are a blessing, how so many couples are infertile, so on and so forth. All I could think was "I'm 18, this isn't supposed to be happening to me."

My boyfriend and I both agreed that we were not ready in any way to have a child. I went to a DSHS to discuss my options with a social worker, and she gave me the number of an abortion clinic in Seattle that was supposedly very understanding and great emotional support and well as professional.

Due to money problems and uncertainty of what I really wanted to do, I waited until my 11th week to have the procedure done. My boyfriend couldn't come with me because he couldn't get the time off work (which isn't as bad as it sounds, there is a longer story behind all that), so his step-sister Kelsea, who is also my friend, came with me instead.

When I arrived, I felt really uneasy. I filled out alot of forms, read through information, though I couldn't tell you all of what it was because my mind was really elsewhere. There was a journal in the waiting room for people to write their feelings, but I didn't read it for the first time until my follow up appointment because I couldn't bring myself to at the time. When I was finally brought in, they had me undress from the waist down and proceeded to give me an ultrasound. Before going any further, they gave me a shot of some type of drug that made me feel immediately drunk to calm me down. After that, they opened my cervix and began chit chatting with me and Kelsea, probably to keep the mood light and to help my nerves. I didn't even know they were really starting until I heard the vacuum turn on. I had my hands resting on my upper stomach, and I felt the vacuum tube, which is really what made me go from my happy, drugged state to fear. The whole thing lasted no longer than ten minutes, and afterwards they were very friendly and had me lay down until I was comfortable getting up. We drove back to my boyfriend's place, and I was left alone so I could rest.

Immediately I noticed the difference in how my body felt. I was fine for most of the day, and then took a long nap and didn't wake up until my boyfriend got home. It wasn't until after I woke up that I got really emotional and couldn't stop crying; my boyfriend bought me a bouquet of flowers, and for some reason that triggered a wave of emotions.

I'm still not over it. I fully support a woman's choice, and if it's what you know you want and it's the best choice for you, then do it. I was never fully convinced that it was the totally right thing to do, but I was scared and ashamed. I was also already emotionally attached to this unborn child, and even though I won't admit it to anyone else, I have always wanted to be a mother. I just never wanted to be a mother this young. In time I guess it will get easier, and maybe the regret will turn into acceptance. Even though I feel a lot of guilt, I am a firm believer in a woman's choice, and I am so happy that a woman has that alternative if she needs it.