Log in

No account? Create an account
25 March 2011 @ 02:01 pm
So...I've been lurking for a bit.
I found out I was pregnant several weeks ago (about 6 weeks along)
and I terminated at home using the pill last week.
It was...rough, to say the least
I ended up suffering all the side effects at once and to quite a degree
I was pretty much alone all week and still feel that way even though my boyfriend is supposedly supporting me
I'm having a tough time emotionally
I'm angry that I got myself into this situation, even if by accident
and I'm sad, angry, guilty that I had to come to this
I guess I'm just wondering if other people struggled afterward
For how long? Did anything help you?
I feel like I made the right decision, but it doesn't change the feelings of guilt
and admittedly sadness too
Pieces of me keep daydreaming about a child and that bond that I have to give up.

Also-- did anyone encounter protesters at their doctors visits?
There were two outside the office when I received an ultrasound and the first pills
I didn't think it would bother me, just flip 'em off and forget it
But it's been bothering me ever since
They aren't allowed to talk to or harass patients, but they certainly made sure to watch me the whole time
From the moment the door opened, down the steps, across the lawn, as I drove away
What do they think? Do they honestly believe women stroll into that office nonchalantly?
As if they don't feel anything?
I know I didn't. I struggled, and still am, with that decision
It's life-changing no matter which direction you choose
electric misfit love machineeyelid on March 25th, 2011 09:02 pm (UTC)
and I'm sad, angry, guilty that I had to come to this

I know it's impossible to just "turn off" emotions, but please know that you have nothing to feel guilty about. People are human. Our bodies are programmed to want to have sex and to get pregnant. Unplanned pregnancy happens to at least half of the women in the US at one time or another, and one out of every three women in the US has an abortion. Point being, you've done nothing wrong, evil, or abnormal. You had sex, you got pregnant. these things happen.

I guess I'm just wondering if other people struggled afterward

In my experience most (though of course not all) women have some negative emotions after an abortion. It is, after all, stressful, hormonal, and for many women a difficult decision. However, on the up side, I have seen very few women who have had long-term negative emotions. After a month - at most three months - most women have settled back into their normal lives and normal routines.

You've only just had your abortion, and you're still full of pregnancy hormones - probably still bleeding from the med abortion, even. Give yourself some time and TLC. It's extremely likely that these negative emotions will fade as your body returns to normal - and your life does, too.

that's not, of course, to say that your feelings are not valid! of course they are. You've been through an experience that was, for you, upsetting and distressing, and simultaneously your body's been thrown out of whack. But it is human nature to bounce back :) I guess what I'm saying is, this too shall pass, you will feel better :)

Do they honestly believe women stroll into that office nonchalantly?

Some women do ;) I did. But of course, everyone's reaction is different, and all are valid.

I've done clinic escorting (protecting women from pro-life protesters at clinics). What you have to understand about pro-life clinic protesters is that they couldn't care less what you think, what you feel, what your life circumstances are, what is going on with you. Regardless of their rhetoric, they certainly don't care if you feel bad, or how conflicted you feel about your decision; I assure you that women's welfare is the very last thing on their minds. To them you are an issue, a crusade, someone who they can belittle, pressure, feel righteous about - not a human being. The vast majority are there due to their own personal (or mental) issues that have nothing to do with anything.

do not let them get to you. They are just jerks and know nothing about you, they are not worth it.
escape_art7st on March 25th, 2011 11:21 pm (UTC)
thank you =]

I know it's been very recent, so it will inevitably take some time. I'm just worried that fighting against depression could potentially exacerbate the post-abortion mixed emotions I'm having. Sometimes I just feel like there's no light at the end of this tunnel and these negative feelings won't subside. But you're right, I need to give it more time.

And eek! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to sound rude about the 'nonchalant' comment. Just that I think 90% of women who come to that decision didn't take it lightly and protesters just want to make those people out to be murderers, who are willfully taking another life when nothing is ever that black and white. I just don't understand anyone who wants to make someone feel horrible in an already difficult situation. I get that a lot are people that were brought up to take on the views of their parents or other authoritative figures...but it still just boggles my mind. I'm really trying not to let it bother me...more than anything I just want to go punch them for putting people through undue humiliation.
electric misfit love machineeyelid on March 25th, 2011 11:51 pm (UTC)
I'm just worried that fighting against depression could potentially exacerbate the post-abortion mixed emotions I'm having.

It could. I find that for most women, the negative emotions are more likely to stick around if they have other bad things going on in their lives, and I don't see why depression wouldn't count. Still, I'd probably wait it out at least until your hormones stabilize before trying treatment. Give yourself some time to just heal up and then see where you're at.

Sometimes I just feel like there's no light at the end of this tunnel and these negative feelings won't subside.

That's a very normal feeling. I feel like that too when I'm depressed about something. Even if you logically know it'll probably fade, it doesn't feel that way.

And eek! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to sound rude about the 'nonchalant' comment.

It's cool, I know you weren't trying to judge ;) Our society is such that we're encouraged to believe that all women are devastated forever by abortion; that we all have the exact same experience, and that it's always negative. Women shy away from admitting that they didn't have a bad experience or negative emotions because society seems to "require" that a woman suffer, or else she's considered a monster or something. So we end up with a skewed image of abortion.

In fact, in my time on this community I've found that not feeling bad is more common than you might suspect. But really reactions can go any which way. The only constant I see is that normally, women do recover from negative emotions - which shouldn't be wondered at, really. If we couldn't recover from bad experiences we'd never survive as a species.

Of course, a few women do have a really hard time, even for years, after an abortion. There's risk factors for that that I've come to recognize. You don't seem to me to have many of the risk factors so I'm optimistic that you will be alright :)

I just don't understand anyone who wants to make someone feel horrible in an already difficult situation.

Word. I completely agree. I don't know how these people live with themselves. TBH I find it difficult to consider them as anything but misogynistic sociopaths. They apparently have no empathy and no compassion. To deliberately attack vulnerable women in bad situations? The fact that some women may be lucky enough not be emotionally vulnerable to these kinds of attacks does not excuse the protesters for making the attacks in the first place. It's sick what they do and I wish I could protect all women from them.
escape_art7st on March 26th, 2011 12:02 am (UTC)
again, thank you. you're much better at articulating things than myself =P

I've had an amazing, supportive friend through this. She had an abortion years back and your take reminds me a lot of her. She's said before that she's never felt regret, and really had no emotional struggle over the situation. She was able to look at everything logistically and move through the process quite objectively. It's been so helpful to have someone who is so stable in their view and not as wishy-washy about it as the couple others that I told. And agreed, it can be hard to be honest about feeling that way...admittedly after the shock of a positive test I was feeling detached enough that I just wanted to get it over with and felt ready at that point. I think since then I made the decision to open up to my boyfriend and one other friend, both of which didn't know how to feel (and you could probably even call my bf somewhat emotionally retarded when it comes to comforting someone)...so then I just started to second-guess and that's where the guilt and negativity seemed to root and grow. I guess part of it is feeling guilty that I don't feel worse about it?? But at the same time I do have a lot of sadness in regards to it...blah. Just kind of a mess in my head right now. I really appreciate your responses though...I don't feel comfortable about being open with the people in my life about it, so it's really nice to have this community to write freely in and get some of this out.
jenomystarisfading on April 6th, 2011 01:44 am (UTC)
Hey! I realize you wrote this a few weeks ago, so I'm totally late to the party, but I went through the exact same thing and know EXACTLY how you feel.

The whole experience was fucking surreal. Never in a million years would I have guessed I'd get pregnant on accident (and I was on bc).

I had a medical abortion at 6 weeks. So effing painful, the side effects hit me like a ton of bricks. I wanted to die.
And when it was over, I had a ton of feelings: guilt, shame, sadness...it ate away at me for the longest time. I felt like a dirty slutosaurus, like it was all my fault I got pregnant. I DIDN'T want the baby, not then, not now, but I kept thinking about what would have been my first born child (and his). "OMG. What if I kept it? Was I supposed to keep it?!" even though me & the guy I had been dating who got me pregnant were in no position to have it. And even though I'm 25, I still feel like a kid myself.

I think what really helped me was thinking logically about the reasons why I did it; I spent a lot of time prior to (and after) reading http://www.imnotsorry.net/ (they have a ton of stories from women who've had abortions and don't regret their decisions); I wrote in my diary all my feelings and thoughts and general stuff I couldn't tell others; I just took time out for myself basically. I too suffer depression, so it was hard, but all of what I listed helped.

What you (& I & many, many, MANY women) went through is a huge life changing event. I promise you up and down, time heals all. What your feeling will pass. I SWEAR TO GOD.
I can honestly say I've been feeling like my "old self" since the beginning of March. So yes, it took some time.

And re: protesters, I didn't see any when I went to get the pills. Though, when I went back for my check-up I saw some weird lady standing in the rain with a rosary. It really didn't make me mad, but it made me think she was seriously wasting her time; if these crazy prolifers want something to do, why don't they go help the homeless, or foster children, or something? You know people who are actually alive?! Jeebus.

Anyways, I really hope you're doing well and know you're not alone.
escape_art7st on April 6th, 2011 08:24 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much. Things have been gradually getting better. Still have a lot of mixed feelings but I definitely think I'm in a better place than I was a couple weeks ago.

I'll definitely check out the link. They had a journal in the office I went to that women were encouraged to write in, but unfortunately only a couple people had.
Adeleadele87 on April 16th, 2011 05:23 pm (UTC)
I know you made this post a few weeks ago but I felt compelled to post.

It has been about 5 years since my medical abortion. I was in an emotionally/physically/sexually abusive relationship at the time, too. However since I didn't have the best experience on the dating scene, I assumed what he was doing to me was normal. I still suffer similar emotions even after years of therapy.

In my opinion, being already emotionally and spiritually screwed up from the relationship, I really feel like the abortion made it worse. That isn't to say that having the baby and allowing a child to be subject to further abuse would be okay, but I don't think I'd call the abortion a "good" thing for me either.

For me, what really helped me recover from his abuse/my abortion was therapy. It is true that you have to feel guilty, because it doesn't sound like you were in the greatest situation either, but that doesn't change your feelings. Please don't feel shy about getting therapy if you think it will help you!
escape_art7st on April 16th, 2011 08:23 pm (UTC)
Thank you--

I've had a pretty dysfunctional relationship history as well. I would definitely be up for trying therapy, but right now I can't afford to. With depression and eating issues to boot I definitely need to sort some things out. I'm trying to get my insurance to work with me a little more on it and hopefully I could get in relatively soon. I'm doing okay...well today. My mood changes a lot and one day I'll be fine and another I'll be really down. I just want things to balance out at least.
Adeleadele87 on April 16th, 2011 08:41 pm (UTC)
Oh eek! That should read "It is true you might feel guilty but you don't have to"....my point was don't be afraid to get help if you need it.

Let me know if you need to talk.
escape_art7st on April 16th, 2011 09:43 pm (UTC)
lol, no worries. thank you again.