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06 April 2012 @ 10:26 am
Fears, symptoms, and anger.  


I had my medical abortion on the 23rd. I have a few questions. One, I still bleed. Sometimes it stops for like a day and then it's back. Sometimes it's light, then sometimes I'll get a clot. The nurse said some women bleed until they get their next period. Does this sound right?

Secondly, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time last night. I'm on birth control pills now but I am just freaked out and asked him to use a condom as well. And while we were having sex I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. Before I got pregnant, I used to really have a fear of pregnancy, to the point that even if I just did foreplay with someone, I sometimes would take a test. I had finally gotten to a point where I no longer had this fear so strongly and we had sex without condoms with no scares for two years until I found out I was pregnant recently. Is this a normal reaction? Our sex life wasn't great to begin with lately, barely having any(due to my lack of sex drive and desire for him), but now I'm actually scared to have sex. I haven't really enjoyed sex for a while although I did use to..but now it scares me. It also felt really weird and almost painful but not quite...it was weird. Is this normal?

And lastly, I find myself having to justify my choice. I know it's pointless to even argue with Pro Life people but I find myself on Tumblr going to Pro Life people's ask boxes and being borderline rude to them because I am just so angry that there are people out there who have the nerve to judge me for a decision that was really painful for me to make. I'm trying not to do this so much, did anyone else have this reaction? I want to to turn this experience into something positive. I don't know, I feel like I haven't had the time to grieve over this situation. Maybe grief isn't the right emotion to have, but it's the one in the back of my head...I cry a lot randomly lately, seeing babies upsets me, and seeing people who are pregnant upsets me. 

Any advice guys? This community has been so helpful. 

 
 
Current Mood: numbnumb
Current Music: Rise Against "The Good Left Undone"
 
 
 
Among the Chaos: Samantha Spellthorneeien_herrison on April 7th, 2012 08:26 am (UTC)
I can't really comment about the other things (and I think eyelid has covered it pretty well), but:

I used to really have a fear of pregnancy, to the point that even if I just did foreplay with someone, I sometimes would take a test. I had finally gotten to a point where I no longer had this fear....but now it scares me

I can understand the feeling -- I've got undiagnosed but strongly suspected tokophobia (fear of pregnancy/childbirth, to the point where if I randomly and unexpectedly come across anything related to pregnany it trips my anxiety/makes me panic) and when I first stated doing sexual things (heck, when I first started having non-sexual but intimate contact) I used to panic and also be worried that I was pregnant even though my odds were almost non-existant. I've not been pregnant (or if I have, it's been a chemical pregnancy) but I have had a couple of quite horrifying nightmares, and one was bad enough to put me off anything sexual for three months. Your reactions are pretty much what I'd expect I'd go through.
Rachelleaveittoweaver on April 7th, 2012 11:52 pm (UTC)
Yeah, that's exactly what my counselor said I had at the time. If I had oral sex, I would assume I was pregnant. It was so annoying and I just worked hard to get to where I'm at and now I feel like I'm back sliding.

Thanks for sharing with me! I don't feel so entirely alone now hah. Stay strong!