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01 December 2012 @ 02:35 pm
am I too old for an abortion?  
I'm scheduled for an abortion in the next 2 weeks and would like some support... My situation is less than ideal and you may judge me.

Although I'm 32 and make a decent living, I'm single and the baby's father is someone whom I've only spent a weekend with. We met at the hotel where I happened to be. He was a traveling businessman, came to town for the first time and out of courtesy I offered to show him around. When he told me he was married with a kid, I didn't think anything more could happen as I've never seen myself as a home wrecker. But somehow, we had a strong connection and I went along with it. I just thought it would be a weekend romance and I would never see him again so what harm would it do? We were careful, we used condoms but it was passionate. The whole thing felt surreal but wonderful, it was something so much more than just lust. Then we parted, he went to the airport and I went back to my normal life. We decided that we would not stay in touch.

For weeks I embraced that intense passionate feeling and felt good that there were no consequences. I was wrong. Just a few days ago, I knew it wasn't right that my period was late so I bought the test and found out I was pregnant. How could this happen?? The chance for us to have met was one in a million, and for me to get pregnant by this man with protection is one in a billion.

I knew immediately that I can't have this baby. Not that I don't want to be a mother (I love kids), but I don't think I'm able to be a single mom. I will disgrace my family, and bearing a child by a married stranger is probably one of the worst situations any woman can be in. He is thousands of miles away and is only offering financial support. I'm not strong enough to do this alone and just hope that I will not regret this decision. I'm 32 after all, and I've promised myself that I'm responsible for my choice and can't blame myself if I don't ever have children again. I'm very scared. Please help...
take your pleasures, life is brief.: l0lalovesy0u  << GI Janeblauereiterin on December 1st, 2012 01:32 pm (UTC)
i am so sorry for your situation. what rotten luck. i'm 30, in a committed relationship, and don't plan to even think about kids for 5 more years! you're not too old for an abortion at all. do u have a friend nearby or someone that you can lean on when you go in?
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1_inabillion on December 1st, 2012 05:32 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much! I know I need to focus on myself and make the decision on what's best for me. But I can't help to feel the guilt that I'm giving up my baby's life for me. Do you know what I can?

I suppose you have been in this situation before. Would you mind sharing with me your experience?

Thanks again!
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1_inabillion on December 3rd, 2012 04:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for sharing. I'm feeling exactly like the way you felt. You don't know how much this means to me... I just don't have anyone here who can hear me or understand how it really feels... Like you said, my struggle is really is on one hand, knowing I'm able and should be OK to raise a child; on the other, I'm so not ready and still want marriage and want the best for my children (at the very least, not fatherless). I think I've come to terms with what's right for me and I'm beginning to accept my guilt and pain.

You've given me hope. Thank you again! *hugs*
1_inabillion on December 1st, 2012 05:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you so much for all your kind words. I don't have any friends who has been in this situation and would understand how hard it is to make such a choice. I can't explain to them how I feel or what's going through my mind... And that's why I'm here looking up for women who can share with me their experience. Ever since I know I'm pregnant, I feel that I'm a mother and about to give up my baby... All the while I can feel that there's more than just my presence. So I keep saying 'Mommy is so sorry', it's heart breaking.

One would think a professional woman my age will be in a good position to know what's best for her. One part of me wants the baby, but realistically I know I can't. I don't want my baby to grow up without a father and always be referred to as the "love child". I don't know how to protect my baby from the evil eyes of the society I live in... I don't know if I can be strong enough to raise this child on my own to be a responsible individual not feeling he/she has lacked something in life. I want the best for my baby but I don't know if I can offer that.

I need to go back to the doctor's in two days, they will tell me what I'm scheduled for the procedure. I feel that I'm counting down the days when I will lose my baby. It's just so sad...
destroyer of clocks: pic#114185312jocelina on December 1st, 2012 08:32 pm (UTC)
It sounds like this has been a pretty tough decision for you. You might find this pregnancy options workbook helpful in processing your thoughts and feelings about this decision. And of course this community is here, too. I've found it to be a pretty helpful place. :)

As others have said, the right choice here is the choice that is right for you -- the choice that you feel most comfortable with, and that feels right to you. And as far as knowing what's best for you, consider that dealing with an unplanned pregnancy (especially when it resulted from sex that one wouldn't have expected to lead to pregnancy) can throw anyone for a loop. I hope you won't feel bad or be too hard on yourself for feeling conflicted. It's a very, very normal way to feel.
1_inabillion on December 3rd, 2012 04:27 pm (UTC)
Thanks a lot for the pregnancy options workbook. I've worked through it and it's helped me a great deal. I can start to see clearly again and really let my head and heart speak for themselves. Once I've calmed down from the shock and panic, I think I've found what's right for me. Funny thing is what I believe is "right", may not necessarily be "right" for me...

Anyway, I feel so much better now and a lot more comfortable with my decision. It is still painful and it's so sad that I've to go through it alone, but it's ok.

Thanks again! It's an excellent tool I highly recommend to any woman who's trying to make this life-altering choice.
destroyer of clocks: pic#114185312jocelina on December 4th, 2012 02:53 am (UTC)
You're very welcome. I'm so glad it was helpful to you. :)
take your pleasures, life is brief.: l0lalovesy0u  << GI Janeblauereiterin on December 1st, 2012 10:19 pm (UTC)
i'm so sorry you're having such conflicting feelings. i hope that, like it did for me, the abortion will make those feelings go away once you're not pregnant anymore and your pregnancy hormones are gone. i felt nothing but relief after mine and no regrets, and i only hope you do too. good luck.
leskay: pic#113396407leskay on December 1st, 2012 06:06 pm (UTC)
I am sorry to tell you that I only skimmed this because I have no intention of judging you and I don't think your reasons for wanting an abortion are any of my (or anyone's) business. If you want an abortion, have an abortion. I'm not sure what "too old for an abortion" means, but a friend who is your age just had one. There's no age limit or anything.

Keep in mind, you're talking about being "responsible for your choice," and abortion is one responsible option. Adopting the child out is another. Keeping and raising the child is a third. All of them may be responsible decicions depending on your circumstances and how you feel about that whole thing.

The last paragraph or so makes me feel like you may be making excuses though. Things like "you'll disgrace your family" and "it's the baby of a married stranger" seem irrelevant to me. If you would like to keep the child, please do.

I am very active in pro-choice communities and groups. The only people that regret their abortions are ones that didn't really want to have one and were pressured into it by others or were making excuses for why it was a better idea though they really wanted a child. So just make sure you are making the decision on whether or not you want to be a mother right now.

I've had two abortions (both surgical); if you have any questions, feel free to ask.
electric misfit love machineeyelid on December 3rd, 2012 09:25 pm (UTC)
first - you don't have to worry about judgment here. Any judgers get booted off the community immediately. ;)

second- there's no such thing as "too old for an abortion". In fact, many people might consider being older a REASON why they might want an abortion ;) Also, being 35 myself, and having gotten an abortion earlier this year, I don't consider 32 very old ;)

In general, you've gotten some great advice above; I will just add my voice to the chorus. You have nothing to be ashamed about. Humans are human. The question now is just what choice you want to make, and there is certainly no right or wrong answer. You have no obligation to do anything you don't want to do - and I'm sure you'll do ok whatever your choice ends up being. It's normally possible to raise a child on your own if that's what you want to do. That doesn't mean it's easy or necessarily right for you. If you feel, knowing your resources and your capacity, that you can't or don't want to have a child right now (or ever), that's a completely valid decision too.

My main advice is to think it through carefully so that you later don't feel that you rushed into anything. You seem to be doing that, so good for you :)
1_inabillion on December 4th, 2012 03:14 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm really happy to have found this community.

Well, I live in a big city and around me are a lot of infertile couples and single women in their mid to late 30s worrying they will never have kids. I was one of them. At age 32, I'm still trying to find a man and hope to settle down and start a family.... Then this happened. A complete shock...

I guess I was very worried if I give up this chance of being a mother, I may never have another. While all my friends are praying for kids of their own, I got pregnant out of the blue. I've thought long and hard but I believe that it's more cruel and unfair for my baby to be born fatherless with a mother who doesn't feel she's strong enough to do it all by herself...

Going against your natural instinct of being a mother is the biggest pain I've ever experienced. I always want the best of my child...