I'm beginning to feel that a lot of my frustration lately is because I haven't been able to talk to the "would have been father" about what I'm going through right now. Also because I'm so curious as to how he's feeling about it now, as we get further from that day.
I feel a lot of anger towards him sometimes, and I think that's just because he was the most involved person in the situation because we kept it mainly between the two of us. But, when I actually think about it, I really am extremely grateful that it was him, out of any guy in the world I could have went through that with. He had kind of freaked out when we had the accident and said things like, "if you get pregnant, I will disappear"... so when I called to tell him we needed to talk, and he said he had a feeling he knew what it was about and he would call me when he was ready, I was EXTREMELY surprised to see his name pop up on my phone half and hour later. Even more surprised how kind and understanding he was about it, and how he encouraged me to call him if I needed anything at all. He did distance himself and take a trip back home to escape for a bit, but even when he was on the trip, he called and checked up. He drove me to our appointment, paid, sat with me in the recovery room, drove me home... when we got to my house, I woke up on my couch with a pillow under my head, a blanket on top of me, a glass of water next to me, and him sitting on the couch across from me. He had a bunch of errands he needed to run that day because his family was coming into town the next day, but he gave that up because he wanted to stay with me until my best friend/roommate got home and to make sure I was ok.
The first day the emotions hit, he was as patient as ever, but the next time he got annoyed and angry... but we talked and solved it. We got distant after that though, and didn't see each other for about 2 months at his going away party, where we said goodbye with a huge hug. It's been almost 3 months since I've seen or talked to him, but we're still "friends".
From what his friends and brother say, he got distant with them after the time of the ordeal (they don't know about the abortion). He spent a lot of time in his room alone with music and wandered off alone a lot more. So I know he was affected.
Anyway, I've had this urge to try to get ahold of him. Maybe email him so he can take it or leave it as he wants. I want to tell him what's going on in my life regarding the whole thing.. and to thank him for how patient and supportive he was. Ask him if he's doing ok... all that.
But I don't know how acceptable that would be... and I don't want to ruin any chance of meeting up in the future, because we had talked about doing that eventually.
I just feel like it would help me so much to talk to him :S